At the heart of our regular family support sessions lies a fundamental goal: building connections. This was clear during a recent EPIC (Empowering Parents and Improving Connection) session which focused on equipping parents and carers with knowledge in a supportive space. By offering tools and guidance - and emphasising that small changes can mean big progress - the challenge of improving a connection felt achievable by all in attendance.

We have prepared this helpful blog for parents or carers aiming to find out more about the art of connection.

Please note: During EPIC sessions, attendees benefit from a mutually respectful, judgment-free space. Verbal agreement to this ‘contract’ fosters open discussions and shared learning experiences in confidence in a protected space.

Family connection:

Our EPIC sessions are therapist-led and the learning starts right from the beginning during group introductions. Families in attendance are empowered to openly share experiences and thoughts in a judgement-free zone - this approach is one that families can adopt in their home lives. Open honesty and mutual support, built up consistently over time, can help to create a connection and environment where bonds deepen and understanding flourishes.

“My husband and I couldn't be more grateful for all the support we have received through EPIC. it was so helpful to hear other parent's experiences with similar issues. Initially we felt the course wasn't suited to our needs but we took away so much from the group that is relevant for all of our children.” - Parent

Child brain development:

Understanding the emotional and cognitive aspects of a child's brain, including the concept of ‘flipping the lid’ can help a parent or carer understand the emotional reactions of their child.

Flipping the lid

This is a way of describing how a child gets so overwhelmed by emotions that they can't think clearly or control their reactions. This is when the thinking part of their brain shuts down.

The professional advice from the Kids Inspire team is that when this happens, try to stay calm and offer comfort to the child. It can take up to 20 minutes for a child to return to a pre-emotional state. If during the 20 minutes something further causes upset then the timer is reset and another 20 minutes is needed.

Child brain development is a concept that has often been explored through the medium of film. Films can provide valuable insight into how emotional interactions between parent and child can lead to breakdown in connection, and misinterpretation.

One notable example is Disney's Inside Out, which features a pivotal argument scene between a child and an adult. The scene, showcased during our EPIC session, creatively illustrates how parental reactions can profoundly influence a child's emotional response. It also reminds us of the significance of acknowledging and embracing all emotions, even the difficult ones, to help nurture effective emotional intelligence.

Parenting strategies and dynamics:

Parenting is an art, and like any craft, it comes with multiple styles and approaches. From the ever-hovering ‘helicopter’ parent to the rigid and uncompromising ‘zebra crossing’ parent, each style brings its own set of strengths and challenges to the table.

Helicopter and zebra crossing parent styles

A ‘helicopter parent’ is an attentive and involved parent who closely monitors and supports their child's activities and decisions often trying to protect them from any potential harm or failure. This can sometimes prevent a child from developing independence and problem-solving skills.

A ‘zebra crossing parent’ provides guidance and support to their child but also allows them the freedom to explore and learn independently. They are there to help their child cross safely when needed but also give space for growth and autonomy. But at times this approach can be rigid and hard for a child who sometimes does not want to be ‘pressured’ in this way.

Approaches to parenting are often adopted without intention. There is no ‘one’ approach that is optimum to aim for.

Parenting interactions are so important for fostering healthy dynamics within the family unit. Equally important is to set boundaries and to avoid unhealthy response roles during conflict. The ‘Drama Triangle’ is a way of describing the roles that ‘unhealthy’ responses may come from:

The Drama Triangle

This concept is often referenced during our allocated family support sessions to explain three common roles that can arrise during conflict:

1. the victim feels helpless and seeks rescuers to take responsibility

2. the rescuer tries to fix problems for others

3. the persecutor blames victims and criticises rescuers

Understanding these roles can help parents and carers avoid unhelpful patterns such as fixing problems or placing blame during a conflicting interaction. The triangle also shows how encouraging a child to solve issues and take responsibility will help them to become more independent, and in turn, will help to build a mutual connection. All are essential for creating a safe and structured environment for both parent and child.

Practical techniques:

To support families in prioritising understanding and building connection during a time of emotional distress, we advocate the 3Rs approach:

The 3Rs

Regulate | Relate | Reason

This framework acts as a roadmap for interactions with children, beginning with assisting children in regulating their emotions, laying the groundwork for genuine connection, ready for reasoned discussions and resolutions.

By remembering and adopting this approach a parent or carer can remain calm during a challenging interaction with their child.

Reconciliation and repair strategies

Inevitably there will be times that require reconciliation and repair. Empathy and understanding can serve as bridges to mend relationships and rebuild trust after disagreements. Structure can play a pivotal role in these situations.

Techniques such as 'behavioural baskets' help to provide structure by setting clear boundaries and expectations for both parent and child.

Preparing ‘behavioural baskets’ in advance helps to categorise different types of behaviours that children display. Post-it notes can help here!

Behavioural baskets

Typically, there are so many things parents want to change, and the question is often “Where do we start?” Our professional response to this is to focus on only one or two and to begin this task by writing a list of every behaviour they want to change and then to prioritise them between three baskets:

1. the largest basket is for all the things a parent will ignore (most behaviour will go in here)

2. the medium basket holds behaviours that a parent/carer will be flexible or negotiate over

3. the smallest basket will hold the behaviours that a parent or carer will no longer tolerate (there should be no more than one or two things in here)

Whether regulating emotions, repairing rifts, or managing behaviours, embracing a structured approach can make reconciliation a bit more manageable for all involved.

In summary:

Establishing and maintaining boundaries for both adults and children and adopting a framework for healthy interactions, are all essential for positive connection. It is also important to remember that building connections and improving behaviours is a journey that requires patience and time.

Empowering parents with the tools and knowledge they need to navigate the complexities of parenthood is central to EPIC's mission. Through understanding, support, and a commitment to growth, families can nurture stronger bonds and build environments where children can thrive.

-ends-

Parents and families are referred to EPIC sessions following an assessment of a child at the centre of the case. The child may go on to receive support separately. EPIC is focused on empowering parents and carers with tools to make the support they already provide more effective.

"I found the sessions useful and insightful, and they have given me some tools that are already helping as well as given me the incentive to look at maybe more counselling and ways to create a better bond with my children. " - Parent